AD Choosing Herself On ‘Love Is Blind’ Is A Good Thing

The Big Picture

• Women often choose men believing they can change them, leading to unhappy relationships.
• Rescuer mentality contributes to low self-esteem and fear of rejection.
• AD is unsure about Clay’s vulnerability and openness to change, and she may no longer want to save anyone.

Amber Desiree “AD” Smith joined the cast of Love Is Blind with the hope of finding love on the reality series, just like a few of the other cast members. She shared that she had the chronic problem of being “Captain-Save-A-Hoe,” choosing men that she felt she could change for the better. It’s a common issue that many couples face. Women choose men because they feel they have potential and they can change them. There’s an actual term for this, and it’s called rescuer mentality.

Wellness coach Lillian So says, “Rescuer mentality is compulsive, and it wants to jump in and fix and save the day. All of that ‘captain save a hoe’ energy is a rescuer mentality all day. It happens consciously and subconsciously, and it’s intertwined with codependency.” People with this mentality are excited to find a new project in people, and this is what often leads to unhappy relationships. Lillian contributes this desire to rescue to low self-esteem. She says, “Anything that feels like where you’ve just been left out in the ocean, that’s where it starts. So then, what do you do? You don’t take care of yourself. Instead, you focus on taking care of everyone else—fear of outbursts, bullying, rejection, and persecution. You always stay two steps ahead of being rejected by always being the useful and helpful one. Growing up, being around people who are victims, growing up or being around persecutors. And here’s another sneaky one. You don’t have to focus on yourself if you’re always focused on others.”

As Clay and AD’s journey unfolds, she struggles between being all in with Clay and knowing when it’s necessary to pull back. It doesn’t lead to her happily ever after, and she admittedly continues pouring into men who may not deserve or be ready for her, but her awareness of the issue is the first step in correcting it.

AD Cannot Handle Clay’s Emotional Journey on ‘Love Is Blind’

Clay certainly has a lot to work on. His comments about what would happen if she gained weight after having a baby were pretty terrible. But Clay does have a willingness and desire to grow and do better. He wants to be fixed. His vulnerability, however, sometimes makes AD uncomfortable and confused, which is surprising considering how much she claimed to crave that.

Initially, in the pods, AD seemed to love the vulnerability that Clay began to show before their engagement. However, on the pre-honeymoon trip, there were moments when Clay was being incredibly vulnerable, and AD admitted he overwhelmed her at times. She told one co-star, Jimmy Presnell, that he was “a lot” at times. She knew early on that she’d have to be his emotional support, and he may lean on her a little too much at times.

Clay May Not Be the Right One For AD

AD is being faced with a situation in which the person who needs saving is open to it. It’s a different scenario, and being faced with it does not mesh with AD. Perhaps it’s because he is so willing to change; Elyane’s theory about looking inward would make sense in AD’s case. She states in her article, “These men are here to teach us that it’s okay to be selfish. These men are highlighting the work that needs to be done within ourselves. There is an urgent need for us to start looking after and loving ourselves. We need to stop wanting to pick up other people’s broken pieces.”

Clay’s willingness to change forced AD to view her previous approach to relationships differently. Though she didn’t fully let go of her rescuer mentality and behavior, there was progress. In the end, Clay revealed that he needed to focus on his mental health. It creates the space for AD to find a man who is at the level she needs him to be, if she chooses.

Love Is Blind can be streamed on Netflix.

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